Episode Two.... Luck Is Turning Around...

After the nightmare with my birthday and the whole dwarf fiasco, two weeks passed by without anything kicking off. I was still looking for my first chance at directing, Claire was still waking me up each morning with her terrible choice of music from when she was a teenager, N-Dubz and Adele the more bearable two of the fortnight, and each morning she would leave another note, hint and subtle mention that I needed to remember her birthday…. Like I could forget!! It’s the 9^th right?! Wrong! Thank God for her notes!!

So my weeks were spent in coffee meetings with Lucy, her bugging me for an answer as to when I would start writing my next, ‘big bestseller’, I spent the meetings deflecting her annoying questions and bugging her about when she was going to finally find a man and settle down, it had now been 17 years since her ex had moved to Brazil to take up a once in a lifetime job opportunity. Since then she had hopped from one bed to the next, having meaningless, empty sex with men from all over the world, trying to fill that massive whole (no pun intended) that Olivier had left on the sad day that he left. Her heart had been broken, and for 17 years we all had been trying to help her pick up the pieces….. Adele albums had been repeated more times than Top Gear on Dave, enough tears had been shed to quench Africa’s thirst, and all our shoulders were more than damp… but then, as we sat there, her drinking her caramel macchiato, me drinking my manly Frappuccino, something magical happened, something nobody had expected, and nobody ever thought they would see again, that twinkle in her eye returned, she stared eagerly over my shoulder, frozen in a partial mouth opening gaze, and as I turned to look, (half expecting Gerard Butler to appear behind me), I was taken back 17 years, back to the moment they parted ways in France, the lingering hand hold, and the single tear that dropped to the floor, they had all been erased in this one briefest of seconds sat in Holland Park, he was back, the man who tore her life in two, had returned, like a Knight in shining armour, to mend her broken heart. Olivier had returned.

I couldn’t even write this shit! The two stood there, for what seemed like an age, (I swear I got my first grey ball hair whilst I sat there awkwardly, as the only obstacle between the two), and then he spoke, his soft, romantic, French tone unable to find any more comforting words than, “Hi”, and then the tears began. The waterworks began to pour as she leapt into his arms, unable to control her excitement. This was a moment that could go down in history, forget PS I Love You, or The Notebook, the story of our generation was being carved out in front of my eyes, and my inspiration was back.

Another week means another headline, and of course, after their recent takeover, it means more gossip surrounding Chelsea football club. However, being good friends with the owner, Tash, I can confirm that Matthew Stevens, formerly of Newcastle United FC has become Chelsea’s first big money move of Tash’s reign at the club. Long, drawn out negotiations were said to have taken place, but Manager Dave Smith was said to be dead set on securing the services of his good friend.

In an interview with the Daily Mirror, Matty is said to be over the moon to have impressed enough in his appearances for Newcastle and Cyprus to have won a move to such an illustrious club. However he did add that he would dearly miss his boyhood club, the fans and most of all the city, stating that it was a difficult decision to make and it was hard to leave the city where he has spent so many nights “getting mortal, playing with the Toon and watching all the tyneside totty gan past in their micro skirts and tight tops”. Much to the pleasure of the country’s sweetheart and number one WAG, Sophie, Matty’s “Missus”, they have now upped and left the north east for a “better life” down South in the capital.

Sophie is known to most tabloids and magazines as the intelligent WAG, having had a brief spell as Blue Peter host, she is often outspoken about global issues, although her un-lady-like manner getting in and out of taxis and other cars has left very little to the imagination over the years. A spokeswoman for PETA and a regular member of the panel on quiz shows across our television channels, Sophie has thrived from the publicity gained by Matty’s  topsy turvy  football career.

Meanwhile, back in my little world it was all systems go. With my creative juices very much in-flow, good things were beginning to happen for the first time in almost a month. I was well on my way to writing my next big hit, based around the story of Lucy and Olivier, it would be called, “A Love Once Lost”, but interrupting my keyboard hammering was the phone call I had been avoiding, my agent, Sarah, who was back off of her holiday, but still firmly in my bad books, however, as I was having a good day, I thought, why not answer it, nothing can change my mood…. Or so I thought. Now when someone says that isn’t it strange how you always expect the worst! But no, it was good news, which made my mood even better, my best selling biography about our good friend Maisie was being taken up by Paramount to be converted into a movie and, thanks to the awesomeness of Sarah, she negotiated that I would direct it.

The biography depicted the tough, post university, life of Maisie. Maisie finished university with a First and a bright future ahead of her, but whilst on holiday in Peru during the summer of her graduation the horrors she witnessed would change her life forever. She became the world’s most famous activist who the big logging firms, poachers and even Green Peace would come to fear. Her most well-known demonstration was seen in the Amazon when, bear ass naked, she chained herself to a tree that was at the front of a patch that was to be chopped down for grazing for McDonald’s cows. It was acts like this that earned her not only worldwide recognition and endless accolades, but also a 4 year stint in a Brazilian prison after she had burnt down a government building which housed the Brazilian environment minister who appeared more corrupt than the likes of Gadaffi had ever been.

The book follows her struggles through her twenties, her eventual release from Brazil, and each demonstration around the world, detailing every tree, nipple and blade of grass along the way. The book concludes with the realisation of Maisie that she cannot do everything herself, and after a 2 year stint in prison here in England for drug use, (hilariously high as a kite on This Morning), Maisie built two charities to support her past work called the ‘Green Justice Foundation’ and the, ‘Anarchy Breeds Sanity’ anti-corruption foundation, and settled down in London with friends, Sarah, Bee, Tash and Sam, right next door to Kellie and Mike. Maisie now owns her very own Organic Restaurant in Camden next door to which is her Environmentally Aware Clothes Shop.

The offer was most definitely too good to refuse and after signing contracts and getting down to the nitty gritty of press releases and interviews it was already Friday morning, Friday the 7^th that being…

Friday morning TV, the nations wake up call, Sam and Spud presenting This Morning with their special guest being… well, me actually! Joining me at the casting of my new film; ‘The Kennedy Files’, they dug out for all the gossip on the who’s who of my directorial debut. Unable to tell them much more than it was a work in progress they hung around for a while and filmed the pilot for their new chat show to be aired the following Friday evening…. Now they could let themselves loose! The intimate casting of course included auditioning women for the lead role of Maisie, and this of course meant auditioning them in the buff to see if they could handle on-screen nudity… Channel 4 getting perhaps more than they bargained for from a couple of the ladies, one Thai lady proving she perhaps didn’t fit 100% of the gender criteria, and a lovely Swedish lady showing off her marvelous talents with a ping pong ball, all to no avail however and as we wrapped up the casting and Sam and Spud wrapped up their pilot episode of ‘Friday’s Fantasies’, we were almost set to start shooting the masterpiece.

When a new film comes along, so does a party, our Launch party to mark the start of filming was nicely tied in with Matty’s contract signing at Chelsea, and ohhh what a night it would turn out to be!

Saturday the 8^th, that number sure did ring a bell! An early morning start at the set, talking to the cast, getting them up to speed, a good meet and greet and allowing a few select photographers on set to shoot the first publicity shots. Claire was out when I got in, a note on the fridge read, ‘Gone To Lunch and Shopping’, she had seemed in a bit of a mood earlier, but with my busy schedule I had little time to wonder why.

On went the day and preparation were being finalised for the extravaganza that evening. The Penthouse club in Leicester Square was booked out and the twitter and facebook invites were sent out… A quick text to Claire reminding her of the launch party later and it was early evening, all alone in the massive apartment, suited up, ready to go… But where was everyone?

8 pm rolled around and the party kicked off, the queue was enormous fans looking to get in, A-listers, ringing none stop for their names on the guestlist. It would be the party of the season, but I wouldn’t be there for long, I had a plane to catch. A quick call to Claire and I jumped in our limo to go and collect her all glammed up looking sensational. Her face was like thunder, she said very little to me apart from, “Hi”. What was her problem?

As we caught the lift up to the party she never muttered a word, then, as we walked through the doors, into the silent club, her mouthed gaped open, she leapt into my arms as everyone began to sing happy birthday and the champagne started to flow, she thought I had forgot haha! Little did she know this was not a launch party or signing party for Matty, this was her birthday party, all her friends were here and all her enemies were on the keep out list.

All the talk of the party was about the film, Matty’s signing, Mike’s struggle to drag Kellie away from the dogs for the night and of course Olivier’s appearance! However, I had very little time for chit chat, a few meet and greets later and I took Claire aside, telling her that her birthday present lay elsewhere…

The Limo ride was certainly entertaining, hurtling at 90 mile per hour down the motorway with Claire blindfolded, we were on our way to her surprise. And as we pulled up, and I removed her blindfold, she couldn’t wait to see where we were going. Heathrow airport was our position, a two weeks in February in Barbados was the destination. Film commitments could wait, the book, would be on hold, after a few difficult weeks, my moods with a lack of inspiration, meant that she and I both deserved a fortnight in the sun.

Meanwhile back at the party, Matty had transformed the do into the Stevens party, much to Sophie’s displeasure. Off his face, Matty was dancing on the bar, straw-pedo-ing Champagne bottles, and swinging on the chandeliers with James and Ash in very close tow. The three were out of control and the whole party was closed down after the three removed every piece of clothing whilst dancing on the bar to the Full Monty music.

Of course the party wouldn’t be stopping there, and whilst Claire and I queued to get into first class on our epic flight to Barbados, the crowd had poured into G Casino just down the road, and four hours, 3 magnum bottles of champagne, 2 bottles of grey goose and 30 litres of Beer later, Matty had spent 3 years wages in a matter of seconds, and bought the casino for the insane price of 280 million pounds. Lucky Tash has given him such a lovely contract and signing on fee!!

Sophie… unimpressed. Matty… now a casino owning footballer, James… Still missing, Ash… arrested for public disorder after mounting Nelson’s column in little more than an edible thong, and Claire and I? Sat on a beach in Barbados, cocktails at our beckoning call, the sun in the sky, and live, well, it’s pretty damn good…. For now!

Episode One - When The Ball Drops...

How did I end up here? Sat in a cold jail cell waiting for one, any one, of my friends to come and bail me out! Taking their sweet ass time I tell you! Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate them coming at all, but leaving me here, for now what has been four hours, is a bit annoying.

It was all a big mistake anyway… I didn’t even hit him that hard! It was just a shock for me, to see him, and all what was happening, most definitely not what I signed on for… that reminds me, I really must get my screen fixed.

Anyway, it seems I have time to burn, so I’ll start from the beginning…

You could say we are one huge family, okay we are not actually family, in blood terms, but there have been enough laughs and tears, heartbreaks and make ups that I’m pretty sure nobody would deny us becoming a family. There are 21 of us in total, the best of friends… the majority of the time, there has been the odd moment where I could strangle the life out of the lot of them, but I love them all really, we’re like the Mafia… just better!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I’m Mat, or Ginge as many a good friend… and good woman has called me. I am 37 years old, living in London with my friends, we all live pretty close to each other, but it would be crazy to think we could all live together, that is of course until Buckingham Palace becomes free! I am a writer, or that is how I made my name anyway, love stories, biographies and thrillers were my forte, however now I am trying my hand at being a Film Director, it has always been my passion, but until recently, the opportunity was never there.

There are 7 of us living in my house, an old run-down nightclub in Mayfair we bought off of the owner and converted the upstairs into our lavish home. The first of my housemates you just have to meet is the gorgeous Claire, 33 year old legal P.A working for the prominent law firm Johnson and Johnson’s. She not only is my housemate, but also my better half, although I must say, living with her, can sometimes be more than stressful!

Claire is the younger sister and P.A of my good friend Katie, how that all happened is another story! Katie is well known around London for a few reasons, one of them being her position as the youngest ever Partner at Johnson and Johnson’s, where she has made her name as a hotshot young lawyer. The other reasons, best leave them for now!

My fourth housemate is Spud, very few people know his real name, very few care, they merely want to be his friend. He is a man about town, the name on lots of people’s lips. He made his mark on the fashion industry designing for the upmarket Kate’s Emporium before moving into morning television.

The remaining housemates are Kate, owner of Kate’s Emporium (which sits nicely downstairs from our apartment), who made her millions winning the Euro Millions Lottery, 57 million pounds worth, with our good friend Tash after sharing a ticket on the off chance! Then there is Abi, the girlfriend of England and Chelsea football star Lee Jones. And last but most definitely not least there is James, one of the greatest guys in the world, but you will be excused for thinking her hasn’t got two brain cells to rub together! A professional physio for Chelsea football club, lets just say when God served common sense, he was too busy playing with himself.

So that’s the mad house, the best place on Earth that also happens to be where our story starts! You may have only met 7 of the happy family, but don’t fret, this, my friends, is only the beginning…

This morning started just like any other, woken up by Claire’s banging around, music blasting, hairdryer trying its best to challenge the volume of the god awful noise coming from Lily Allen’s mouth as she attempts to cover a great Kook’s song… it’s been around 20 years but that bloody song still hasn’t grown on me! Then she starts, that bleeding terrible singing voice of hers making it a threesome of horrific sounds easing me into my hung-over day!  

It doesn’t help when a casual Sunday house meal evolves into a full blown gathering in your apartment, the remains of which lay on the floors of each of the flat’s rooms. Unable to handle the noise anymore I decided to drag my sympathy seeking arse out of bed and head for the kitchen, after accidently kicking Tash (Kate’s fellow lottery winner and ex-actress, known for being half of the comedy duo Stash, and now owner of the struggling Chelsea Football Club), and then purposely smashing my bare foot against the equally bare backside of Ash who lay in the corridor, as naked as the day he was born, straddling Claire’s super-sized teddy bear, which would quickly find it’s way to the bin!

After mustering up the courage to face some breakfast, I bid Claire and Katie goodbye; off to the city to work their butts off all day, whereas all I had planned for the day was a coffee date and a lunch date… unfortunately, it wouldn’t all go quite to plan!

Unlike every other morning upon clearing the riff-raff out of the apartment, I had the pleasure of the odd and hilarious discovery that the teddy bear Ash had been straddling was not in fact Claire’s favourite bear, but instead it was Sam. Sam is our, ‘famous friend’, a serial reality television star who loves nothing more than being the centre of attention! Seemingly unaware that we all realise he is gay, Sam has settled quite nicely in his closet. After winning ‘Big Brother’ and starring in ‘Celebrity Big Brother’, ‘Celebrity Fat Camp’ and ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’, Sam has become the face of British Morning Television, co-hosting ‘Good Morning Britain’ with Spud. It was time for me to head to my coffee date with my Editor.

Lucy is the successful editor and publisher who owns L.R Publishing. Housemate of Ash, (our naked personal trainer who makes up one half of, ‘Vicious and Delicious’, Personal Trainers to the Stars and owners of VD Gyms), Laura, Sex Therapist for Celebrities, Clodagh, our Northern Irish who although in her spare time is seemingly the head of the Fun Police, she makes her living lecturing on Spanish Literature at Oxford University. Lucy’s last housemate is Dave, previously unemployed, who is now the manager of Chelsea Football Club after Tash decided his Football Manager game skills were good enough to take the reins.

After a relaxing, hangover clearing sit in Starbucks with Lucy discussing when I was going to start my next book, and of course arguing about when I was going to pop the question to her best friend and my girlfriend Claire, (guys, back me up here, you can’t just settle down in your thirties?! A King panther has got to prowl!), I headed into Canary Warf for my lunch date.

I was meeting Claire and two of our good friends for lunch at Chez Rouge. Mike and Kellie are our ‘Married friends’, met in Spain and never been apart since… except of course if you count the time Kellie slammed the door in his face and made him do the humiliating 5a.m walk home! The food was to die for, the biggest steak my stomach could hold, with the biggest portion of New York Cheesecake for desert. What a birthday meal! Oh I didn’t mention that did I… well I’m not exactly thrilled to admit it, but yes, today is my 38^th birthday, my best years seemingly firmly behind me! However it was not my birthday, or the wonderful meal, or the thrilling conversation about Mike’s ideas for VD Gyms which he is the other half of, whilst Kellie rattled off more and more mumbo jumbo about fashion that I simply could not care less about, (you see she has very little to do apart from shop as she is a housewife, nope, no kids yet… a housewife to their three Pugs, Alvin, Simon and Theodore, adorable maybe, thrilling dinner conversation not so much!), but it was an email sent to my phone which made my day…

My first directing job! On my birthday! Can you believe it? I almost couldn’t, but the email cam straight from my agent, along with a voicemail from her (Sarah, another close friend and brilliant agent, although her past as the other half of Stash would make you suppose differently!), sounding very excited about the prospect. The annoying thing, Sarah had just flown off on holiday with her boyfriend Pablo, and was not taking any phones or laptops with her! So I had to make do with the email, on my phone, which told me the address to go to, the time… balls, in an hour and it was a very busy part of the day for transport, however I could not quite make out the name of the film.

You see my phone, my lovely IPhone, my prized possession, had a crack in the screen and it had a blur over the production company’s name and the end of the film name, luckily for me, intuition was a strong point, and the ‘Princess and the P’ was easily translated to ‘The Princess and The Pea’ a story I loved when I was young, I could barely keep in my excitement as I left the trio and headed off to Aldwood Studios.

Now, as you may have already sussed out, not all was right with this, or else I guess I would not have ended up sat in this jail cell.

Upon arrival at Aldwood I was given the shock of my life in all my 38 years I had never seen anything like it. I’ll let you in on a secret… I was arrested for assaulting a dwarf, a smaller person, I do retain, however this makes me look, that it was in no way my fault. No I’m guessing the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fit together for you, I had found my way onto the set of ‘Backdoor Productions’ filming of ‘The Princess and The Penis’!!!

To cut a long story short, and by no way is that a joke on the dwarf’s behalf… but the scene was set, half way through filming the director had quit because of personal differences, he just could not get along with the lead male, a 4 foot 7 tall actor with a penis as big as his ego… small man syndrome just didn’t cover it! He wanted everything his way, from the direction he rode the Shetland pony, to the angle in which the camera was, and when he came running over to introduce himself to me shouting his mouth off and flailing his more than angry looking penis about, lets just say I lost it, and kicked him in the knackers before running to safety behind a cut-out of a naked dragon-lady… the whole place had me on the edge, and a scary, naked, angry dwarf, just tipped me over.

SOOO that’s how I ended up here. I must say, it’s not a daily occurrence, it is the first time I have come across a dwarf, it’s just my bad luck that the first time I meet one, I give him a bruised testacle! Luckily for me though, my friends saw the funny side, and after leaving me for 6 hours in a jail cell to, ‘think about what I had done’, Bee and Maisie came to collect me, after the police finally let me go free of charge, even they found the funny side of the story!

So now you have met everyone, and know the ins and outs of our, dysfunctional, family, I hope you’ll tune it to these blogisodes weekly to catch up with the hilarious antics our, ‘special family’ gets up to!