How did I end up here? Sat in a cold jail cell waiting for one, any one, of my friends to come and bail me out! Taking their sweet ass time I tell you! Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate them coming at all, but leaving me here, for now what has been four hours, is a bit annoying.
It was all a big mistake anyway… I didn’t even hit him that hard! It was just a shock for me, to see him, and all what was happening, most definitely not what I signed on for… that reminds me, I really must get my screen fixed.
Anyway, it seems I have time to burn, so I’ll start from the beginning…
You could say we are one huge family, okay we are not actually family, in blood terms, but there have been enough laughs and tears, heartbreaks and make ups that I’m pretty sure nobody would deny us becoming a family. There are 21 of us in total, the best of friends… the majority of the time, there has been the odd moment where I could strangle the life out of the lot of them, but I love them all really, we’re like the Mafia… just better!
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I’m Mat, or Ginge as many a good friend… and good woman has called me. I am 37 years old, living in London with my friends, we all live pretty close to each other, but it would be crazy to think we could all live together, that is of course until Buckingham Palace becomes free! I am a writer, or that is how I made my name anyway, love stories, biographies and thrillers were my forte, however now I am trying my hand at being a Film Director, it has always been my passion, but until recently, the opportunity was never there.
There are 7 of us living in my house, an old run-down nightclub in Mayfair we bought off of the owner and converted the upstairs into our lavish home. The first of my housemates you just have to meet is the gorgeous Claire, 33 year old legal P.A working for the prominent law firm Johnson and Johnson’s. She not only is my housemate, but also my better half, although I must say, living with her, can sometimes be more than stressful!
Claire is the younger sister and P.A of my good friend Katie, how that all happened is another story! Katie is well known around London for a few reasons, one of them being her position as the youngest ever Partner at Johnson and Johnson’s, where she has made her name as a hotshot young lawyer. The other reasons, best leave them for now!
My fourth housemate is Spud, very few people know his real name, very few care, they merely want to be his friend. He is a man about town, the name on lots of people’s lips. He made his mark on the fashion industry designing for the upmarket Kate’s Emporium before moving into morning television.
The remaining housemates are Kate, owner of Kate’s Emporium (which sits nicely downstairs from our apartment), who made her millions winning the Euro Millions Lottery, 57 million pounds worth, with our good friend Tash after sharing a ticket on the off chance! Then there is Abi, the girlfriend of England and Chelsea football star Lee Jones. And last but most definitely not least there is James, one of the greatest guys in the world, but you will be excused for thinking her hasn’t got two brain cells to rub together! A professional physio for Chelsea football club, lets just say when God served common sense, he was too busy playing with himself.
So that’s the mad house, the best place on Earth that also happens to be where our story starts! You may have only met 7 of the happy family, but don’t fret, this, my friends, is only the beginning…
This morning started just like any other, woken up by Claire’s banging around, music blasting, hairdryer trying its best to challenge the volume of the god awful noise coming from Lily Allen’s mouth as she attempts to cover a great Kook’s song… it’s been around 20 years but that bloody song still hasn’t grown on me! Then she starts, that bleeding terrible singing voice of hers making it a threesome of horrific sounds easing me into my hung-over day!
It doesn’t help when a casual Sunday house meal evolves into a full blown gathering in your apartment, the remains of which lay on the floors of each of the flat’s rooms. Unable to handle the noise anymore I decided to drag my sympathy seeking arse out of bed and head for the kitchen, after accidently kicking Tash (Kate’s fellow lottery winner and ex-actress, known for being half of the comedy duo Stash, and now owner of the struggling Chelsea Football Club), and then purposely smashing my bare foot against the equally bare backside of Ash who lay in the corridor, as naked as the day he was born, straddling Claire’s super-sized teddy bear, which would quickly find it’s way to the bin!
After mustering up the courage to face some breakfast, I bid Claire and Katie goodbye; off to the city to work their butts off all day, whereas all I had planned for the day was a coffee date and a lunch date… unfortunately, it wouldn’t all go quite to plan!
Unlike every other morning upon clearing the riff-raff out of the apartment, I had the pleasure of the odd and hilarious discovery that the teddy bear Ash had been straddling was not in fact Claire’s favourite bear, but instead it was Sam. Sam is our, ‘famous friend’, a serial reality television star who loves nothing more than being the centre of attention! Seemingly unaware that we all realise he is gay, Sam has settled quite nicely in his closet. After winning ‘Big Brother’ and starring in ‘Celebrity Big Brother’, ‘Celebrity Fat Camp’ and ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’, Sam has become the face of British Morning Television, co-hosting ‘Good Morning Britain’ with Spud. It was time for me to head to my coffee date with my Editor.
Lucy is the successful editor and publisher who owns L.R Publishing. Housemate of Ash, (our naked personal trainer who makes up one half of, ‘Vicious and Delicious’, Personal Trainers to the Stars and owners of VD Gyms), Laura, Sex Therapist for Celebrities, Clodagh, our Northern Irish who although in her spare time is seemingly the head of the Fun Police, she makes her living lecturing on Spanish Literature at Oxford University. Lucy’s last housemate is Dave, previously unemployed, who is now the manager of Chelsea Football Club after Tash decided his Football Manager game skills were good enough to take the reins.
After a relaxing, hangover clearing sit in Starbucks with Lucy discussing when I was going to start my next book, and of course arguing about when I was going to pop the question to her best friend and my girlfriend Claire, (guys, back me up here, you can’t just settle down in your thirties?! A King panther has got to prowl!), I headed into Canary Warf for my lunch date.
I was meeting Claire and two of our good friends for lunch at Chez Rouge. Mike and Kellie are our ‘Married friends’, met in Spain and never been apart since… except of course if you count the time Kellie slammed the door in his face and made him do the humiliating 5a.m walk home! The food was to die for, the biggest steak my stomach could hold, with the biggest portion of New York Cheesecake for desert. What a birthday meal! Oh I didn’t mention that did I… well I’m not exactly thrilled to admit it, but yes, today is my 38th birthday, my best years seemingly firmly behind me! However it was not my birthday, or the wonderful meal, or the thrilling conversation about Mike’s ideas for VD Gyms which he is the other half of, whilst Kellie rattled off more and more mumbo jumbo about fashion that I simply could not care less about, (you see she has very little to do apart from shop as she is a housewife, nope, no kids yet… a housewife to their three Pugs, Alvin, Simon and Theodore, adorable maybe, thrilling dinner conversation not so much!), but it was an email sent to my phone which made my day…
My first directing job! On my birthday! Can you believe it? I almost couldn’t, but the email cam straight from my agent, along with a voicemail from her (Sarah, another close friend and brilliant agent, although her past as the other half of Stash would make you suppose differently!), sounding very excited about the prospect. The annoying thing, Sarah had just flown off on holiday with her boyfriend Pablo, and was not taking any phones or laptops with her! So I had to make do with the email, on my phone, which told me the address to go to, the time… balls, in an hour and it was a very busy part of the day for transport, however I could not quite make out the name of the film.
You see my phone, my lovely IPhone, my prized possession, had a crack in the screen and it had a blur over the production company’s name and the end of the film name, luckily for me, intuition was a strong point, and the ‘Princess and the P’ was easily translated to ‘The Princess and The Pea’ a story I loved when I was young, I could barely keep in my excitement as I left the trio and headed off to Aldwood Studios.
Now, as you may have already sussed out, not all was right with this, or else I guess I would not have ended up sat in this jail cell.
Upon arrival at Aldwood I was given the shock of my life in all my 38 years I had never seen anything like it. I’ll let you in on a secret… I was arrested for assaulting a dwarf, a smaller person, I do retain, however this makes me look, that it was in no way my fault. No I’m guessing the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fit together for you, I had found my way onto the set of ‘Backdoor Productions’ filming of ‘The Princess and The Penis’!!!
To cut a long story short, and by no way is that a joke on the dwarf’s behalf… but the scene was set, half way through filming the director had quit because of personal differences, he just could not get along with the lead male, a 4 foot 7 tall actor with a penis as big as his ego… small man syndrome just didn’t cover it! He wanted everything his way, from the direction he rode the Shetland pony, to the angle in which the camera was, and when he came running over to introduce himself to me shouting his mouth off and flailing his more than angry looking penis about, lets just say I lost it, and kicked him in the knackers before running to safety behind a cut-out of a naked dragon-lady… the whole place had me on the edge, and a scary, naked, angry dwarf, just tipped me over.
SOOO that’s how I ended up here. I must say, it’s not a daily occurrence, it is the first time I have come across a dwarf, it’s just my bad luck that the first time I meet one, I give him a bruised testacle! Luckily for me though, my friends saw the funny side, and after leaving me for 6 hours in a jail cell to, ‘think about what I had done’, Bee and Maisie came to collect me, after the police finally let me go free of charge, even they found the funny side of the story!
So now you have met everyone, and know the ins and outs of our, dysfunctional, family, I hope you’ll tune it to these blogisodes weekly to catch up with the hilarious antics our, ‘special family’ gets up to!
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