After the nightmare with my birthday and the whole dwarf fiasco, two weeks passed by without anything kicking off. I was still looking for my first chance at directing, Claire was still waking me up each morning with her terrible choice of music from when she was a teenager, N-Dubz and Adele the more bearable two of the fortnight, and each morning she would leave another note, hint and subtle mention that I needed to remember her birthday…. Like I could forget!! It’s the 9th right?! Wrong! Thank God for her notes!!
So my weeks were spent in coffee meetings with Lucy, her bugging me for an answer as to when I would start writing my next, ‘big bestseller’, I spent the meetings deflecting her annoying questions and bugging her about when she was going to finally find a man and settle down, it had now been 17 years since her ex had moved to Brazil to take up a once in a lifetime job opportunity. Since then she had hopped from one bed to the next, having meaningless, empty sex with men from all over the world, trying to fill that massive whole (no pun intended) that Olivier had left on the sad day that he left. Her heart had been broken, and for 17 years we all had been trying to help her pick up the pieces….. Adele albums had been repeated more times than Top Gear on Dave, enough tears had been shed to quench Africa’s thirst, and all our shoulders were more than damp… but then, as we sat there, her drinking her caramel macchiato, me drinking my manly Frappuccino, something magical happened, something nobody had expected, and nobody ever thought they would see again, that twinkle in her eye returned, she stared eagerly over my shoulder, frozen in a partial mouth opening gaze, and as I turned to look, (half expecting Gerard Butler to appear behind me), I was taken back 17 years, back to the moment they parted ways in France, the lingering hand hold, and the single tear that dropped to the floor, they had all been erased in this one briefest of seconds sat in Holland Park, he was back, the man who tore her life in two, had returned, like a Knight in shining armour, to mend her broken heart. Olivier had returned.
I couldn’t even write this shit! The two stood there, for what seemed like an age, (I swear I got my first grey ball hair whilst I sat there awkwardly, as the only obstacle between the two), and then he spoke, his soft, romantic, French tone unable to find any more comforting words than, “Hi”, and then the tears began. The waterworks began to pour as she leapt into his arms, unable to control her excitement. This was a moment that could go down in history, forget PS I Love You, or The Notebook, the story of our generation was being carved out in front of my eyes, and my inspiration was back.
Another week means another headline, and of course, after their recent takeover, it means more gossip surrounding Chelsea football club. However, being good friends with the owner, Tash, I can confirm that Matthew Stevens, formerly of Newcastle United FC has become Chelsea’s first big money move of Tash’s reign at the club. Long, drawn out negotiations were said to have taken place, but Manager Dave Smith was said to be dead set on securing the services of his good friend.
In an interview with the Daily Mirror, Matty is said to be over the moon to have impressed enough in his appearances for Newcastle and Cyprus to have won a move to such an illustrious club. However he did add that he would dearly miss his boyhood club, the fans and most of all the city, stating that it was a difficult decision to make and it was hard to leave the city where he has spent so many nights “getting mortal, playing with the Toon and watching all the tyneside totty gan past in their micro skirts and tight tops”. Much to the pleasure of the country’s sweetheart and number one WAG, Sophie, Matty’s “Missus”, they have now upped and left the north east for a “better life” down South in the capital.
Sophie is known to most tabloids and magazines as the intelligent WAG, having had a brief spell as Blue Peter host, she is often outspoken about global issues, although her un-lady-like manner getting in and out of taxis and other cars has left very little to the imagination over the years. A spokeswoman for PETA and a regular member of the panel on quiz shows across our television channels, Sophie has thrived from the publicity gained by Matty’s topsy turvy football career.
Meanwhile, back in my little world it was all systems go. With my creative juices very much in-flow, good things were beginning to happen for the first time in almost a month. I was well on my way to writing my next big hit, based around the story of Lucy and Olivier, it would be called, “A Love Once Lost”, but interrupting my keyboard hammering was the phone call I had been avoiding, my agent, Sarah, who was back off of her holiday, but still firmly in my bad books, however, as I was having a good day, I thought, why not answer it, nothing can change my mood…. Or so I thought. Now when someone says that isn’t it strange how you always expect the worst! But no, it was good news, which made my mood even better, my best selling biography about our good friend Maisie was being taken up by Paramount to be converted into a movie and, thanks to the awesomeness of Sarah, she negotiated that I would direct it.
The biography depicted the tough, post university, life of Maisie. Maisie finished university with a First and a bright future ahead of her, but whilst on holiday in Peru during the summer of her graduation the horrors she witnessed would change her life forever. She became the world’s most famous activist who the big logging firms, poachers and even Green Peace would come to fear. Her most well-known demonstration was seen in the Amazon when, bear ass naked, she chained herself to a tree that was at the front of a patch that was to be chopped down for grazing for McDonald’s cows. It was acts like this that earned her not only worldwide recognition and endless accolades, but also a 4 year stint in a Brazilian prison after she had burnt down a government building which housed the Brazilian environment minister who appeared more corrupt than the likes of Gadaffi had ever been.
The book follows her struggles through her twenties, her eventual release from Brazil, and each demonstration around the world, detailing every tree, nipple and blade of grass along the way. The book concludes with the realisation of Maisie that she cannot do everything herself, and after a 2 year stint in prison here in England for drug use, (hilariously high as a kite on This Morning), Maisie built two charities to support her past work called the ‘Green Justice Foundation’ and the, ‘Anarchy Breeds Sanity’ anti-corruption foundation, and settled down in London with friends, Sarah, Bee, Tash and Sam, right next door to Kellie and Mike. Maisie now owns her very own Organic Restaurant in Camden next door to which is her Environmentally Aware Clothes Shop.
The offer was most definitely too good to refuse and after signing contracts and getting down to the nitty gritty of press releases and interviews it was already Friday morning, Friday the 7th that being…
Friday morning TV, the nations wake up call, Sam and Spud presenting This Morning with their special guest being… well, me actually! Joining me at the casting of my new film; ‘The Kennedy Files’, they dug out for all the gossip on the who’s who of my directorial debut. Unable to tell them much more than it was a work in progress they hung around for a while and filmed the pilot for their new chat show to be aired the following Friday evening…. Now they could let themselves loose! The intimate casting of course included auditioning women for the lead role of Maisie, and this of course meant auditioning them in the buff to see if they could handle on-screen nudity… Channel 4 getting perhaps more than they bargained for from a couple of the ladies, one Thai lady proving she perhaps didn’t fit 100% of the gender criteria, and a lovely Swedish lady showing off her marvelous talents with a ping pong ball, all to no avail however and as we wrapped up the casting and Sam and Spud wrapped up their pilot episode of ‘Friday’s Fantasies’, we were almost set to start shooting the masterpiece.
When a new film comes along, so does a party, our Launch party to mark the start of filming was nicely tied in with Matty’s contract signing at Chelsea, and ohhh what a night it would turn out to be!
Saturday the 8th, that number sure did ring a bell! An early morning start at the set, talking to the cast, getting them up to speed, a good meet and greet and allowing a few select photographers on set to shoot the first publicity shots. Claire was out when I got in, a note on the fridge read, ‘Gone To Lunch and Shopping’, she had seemed in a bit of a mood earlier, but with my busy schedule I had little time to wonder why.
On went the day and preparation were being finalised for the extravaganza that evening. The Penthouse club in Leicester Square was booked out and the twitter and facebook invites were sent out… A quick text to Claire reminding her of the launch party later and it was early evening, all alone in the massive apartment, suited up, ready to go… But where was everyone?
8 pm rolled around and the party kicked off, the queue was enormous fans looking to get in, A-listers, ringing none stop for their names on the guestlist. It would be the party of the season, but I wouldn’t be there for long, I had a plane to catch. A quick call to Claire and I jumped in our limo to go and collect her all glammed up looking sensational. Her face was like thunder, she said very little to me apart from, “Hi”. What was her problem?
As we caught the lift up to the party she never muttered a word, then, as we walked through the doors, into the silent club, her mouthed gaped open, she leapt into my arms as everyone began to sing happy birthday and the champagne started to flow, she thought I had forgot haha! Little did she know this was not a launch party or signing party for Matty, this was her birthday party, all her friends were here and all her enemies were on the keep out list.
All the talk of the party was about the film, Matty’s signing, Mike’s struggle to drag Kellie away from the dogs for the night and of course Olivier’s appearance! However, I had very little time for chit chat, a few meet and greets later and I took Claire aside, telling her that her birthday present lay elsewhere…
The Limo ride was certainly entertaining, hurtling at 90 mile per hour down the motorway with Claire blindfolded, we were on our way to her surprise. And as we pulled up, and I removed her blindfold, she couldn’t wait to see where we were going. Heathrow airport was our position, a two weeks in February in Barbados was the destination. Film commitments could wait, the book, would be on hold, after a few difficult weeks, my moods with a lack of inspiration, meant that she and I both deserved a fortnight in the sun.
Meanwhile back at the party, Matty had transformed the do into the Stevens party, much to Sophie’s displeasure. Off his face, Matty was dancing on the bar, straw-pedo-ing Champagne bottles, and swinging on the chandeliers with James and Ash in very close tow. The three were out of control and the whole party was closed down after the three removed every piece of clothing whilst dancing on the bar to the Full Monty music.
Of course the party wouldn’t be stopping there, and whilst Claire and I queued to get into first class on our epic flight to Barbados, the crowd had poured into G Casino just down the road, and four hours, 3 magnum bottles of champagne, 2 bottles of grey goose and 30 litres of Beer later, Matty had spent 3 years wages in a matter of seconds, and bought the casino for the insane price of 280 million pounds. Lucky Tash has given him such a lovely contract and signing on fee!!
Sophie… unimpressed. Matty… now a casino owning footballer, James… Still missing, Ash… arrested for public disorder after mounting Nelson’s column in little more than an edible thong, and Claire and I? Sat on a beach in Barbados, cocktails at our beckoning call, the sun in the sky, and live, well, it’s pretty damn good…. For now!
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